ok so it has been a while. keep meaning to come on and write a little, but i get sidetracked. so real quick now have spiral perm and hair is close to natural color (i think) it is a dark brown, almost black. luckily for me the red is still in there, so i have some highlights. anyways.
I was thinking the other day that battered and bruised has become a regular part of life. it is rather very sad. this past week has been especially hard. each day have come home with a new mark of some sort, wither kicks, scratches, bruises from fists or kicks, and even bite marks. six times in the last week have i been bit or almost bit. even got to go to the emergency room for one of them that broke the skin. and this is all that I do, or have in my life right now. Urg.
I need to get a life. but more than that i need to go get some sleep. until next time. (which since I have a laptop now, should be more frequent)

Reunion Rantings

Wrote this while I was out in the middle of nowhere for a family reunion.

There are times where I wish I could just scream and rant, and not even about anything specific. Just to have a knock down drag out fight every once and awhile. Too bad that is not acceptable, and crying is not the same release, still though with me they are very closely tied.
I love the idea of family reunions, and being with extended family. Unfortunately in reality it is completely different and does not really work for me now. I am too old for the younger group and too young for the adults. The people who are around my age are married and are started on having their families. What do you do then? No matter what side of the family, I just don't fit in and I hate it. Even though I am though I am not as reserved when around family, it is hard to go up and just start up a conversation.
I have even lost my role as baby sitter. life just sucks. It is not like I truly want to be alone, but it just gets too much, and I almost have to be alone so I don't blow apart. Then what the hell are you supposed to tell people who ask, if they even notice that you are not there? A few years ago I wandered away. I was probably gone for over an hour just walking through the desert in the middle of the afternoon. Only one person asked where I was when I got back, and that was my mother. If I was to walk away how long would it be before anyone noticed I was gone, and how long would it take before they started to worry. Would it only be at meal times, so when they to make sure I ate.
Would I be missed, or would it even make a difference if I was to leave beside there being one less person to do work. Right now all I am good for is sitting with a dog that I am allergic to, to keep her company so that she does not freak out. What kind of life is that? Let me tell you it is a crappy one.

Luckily my mood changed, and I was able to do some free climbing on the rocks. I did wander but came back after getting some great pictures. I was also able to do a zip line which is a huge feat for me because I am scared of heights.

My Hair

It changes almost as frequently as my mood. Mostly it stays in the red family, although my hair has been known to be blond, and black. There was also the time that it was black with 3 inch bright red roots. I learned then that it is not possible to dye over black hair dye. Anyways, The whole point is that I dyed my hair a deep red. It was supposed to be a blond red, but oh well. I like how it looks. I just wish that it did not take me so long. Nothing else is really new with me. Life is life, and it is going forward. That is really all that can be asked. Until next time.

Keep on trucking

Well life is still slow. Work is tiring. There are days I think why did I sign up for this. But being able to send kids home is worth it. So many interests. How do you decide what to do for the rest of your life. How do you decide on a career instead of just a job. I wish that there was something that could just like scan my mind and say "This is what you should do" That would make life easier. But then of course being me, I would go and probably do the opposite. oh well no one ever said that life and growing up were easy.

Well, things are a little better now that the wedding is over. It is amazing how much stress there is, even if it is NOT your wedding. But is is over and done with. Now maybe I can relax. Probibly not though. The kids are back in school. YEAH. So work is starting to calm down. I can only hope that it keeps calming down.Too bad you can't just coast everywhere. You can only coast so far, before you have to give it something to keep going forward. Sorry, this is kinda jumbled.

epiphany

I was thinking about life. And I realized that the more that we try and keep things the same, the more things change around us. It ends up like a stagnating pond. They stink and no one really ones to be around them. It is from trying to control too much, instead of just going with the flow. It is a hard feeling when it feels like everybody is moving forward, and you are stuck there being left behind. that is kinda how I have felt as we have been getting ready for my brothers wedding. The other hard part, is I don't know how to get myself unstuck. Well only time will tell, and things will settle down after this week is over.

The Begining

Well here is the begining of me. All though my life is not interesting. Thought that I would allow others to catch a glimps into my little world.